That was a hard year for me when the rest of the world around me was embracing their clean slate I was grieving for the loss of my son and ultimately what felt like the loss of myself.
This New Years Eve I was sitting next to my husband flying over the pacific ocean, headed to our new home in Japan. I had a lot of time to watch movies…play games…annoy my husband…. and to think. I thought a lot about what my life would be like if things had worked out differently. Would I have met my husband? Would Trent be sitting next to us on this next adventure? Would he be a good flier? Would I be a good mom? I started getting sad, and I realized I do this to myself every year I play these “what if” games… Don’t get me wrong; I know I am allowed to grieve… I always will. However, I feel like my “what if” game puts a dark shadow over me, sometimes to the point of making me physically ill and I don’t like it.
One thing I have learned in these last 9 years is that if I don’t like something – I change it! I decided I would make a list of 9 positive things that have happened since my darkest day:
- I realized my worth
- I went back to school
- I had the courage to change careers and pursue my dreams
- I discovered I am an emotional badass Warrior!
- I have learned to forgive
- I met and married my soul mate
- I have acquired a thirst for knowledge that I pursue with passion every day
- I have learned to conquer my fears – (holy crap I ran a triathlon!)
- I have learned to appreciate the holistic lifestyle and what it can do for our quality of life
Every year I will add to this list so that my darkest day knows it is responsible for my strength, growth, and light. While I will always grieve, I know I am not defined by this day, I have become defined because of it.